Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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