let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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