dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
