she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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