Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
