just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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