I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
