well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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