I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
