cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
