I am midnight drunk by noon
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
