I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
