Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
