Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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