my vag is so smooth its legendary
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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