i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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