If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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