I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
