I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
