Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
