if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
