I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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