Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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