oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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