i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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