Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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