Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
