Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
