Your dad touched me again.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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