don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
