you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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