He uses pillows to masturbate.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
