You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
