1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
