Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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