his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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