Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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