i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
