is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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