I wish my penis had an off switch
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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