This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
