that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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