toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
