Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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