The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
