So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
