he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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