I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
