so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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