they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
soo... how was my night?
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