Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
