I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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