I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
